Sorry
by Artemisdesari
Summary: Castiel's thoughts at the end of 4.21, so spoilery.


_I couldn't stop thinking about the episode. It left me with a few little tears, for Sam and Dean, but for Cas too. Because it may just have been wishful thinking but I could have sworn that I saw some of the old Cas still in there and it spawned this. Especially that one line. It still has elements of Destiel to it, but only because it's filled my brain and it's all quite one sided._

_Reviews are love, flames keep me warm and toastie._

_**Disclaimer:** If they were mine, would I be writing this? Would Castiel be a dick? I think not. I own nothing, except this hangover. _

Sorry.

"You're a dick these days."

The words echoed in Castiel's mind.

"You're a dick these days."

Those words, they _hurt_, hurt in a way that he had never imagined that words could. Hiding behind a thin veneer of obedience that threatened to shatter at any moment as he had looked upon the anguished face of his charge. Dean, who looked so lost and so very desperate. Castiel's orders, orders from a place on high, a place that he neither knew nor recognised, orders to ensure that Dean would be driven to sacrifice everything, to tie himself to their cause and have his will bent so that it was their own.

"You're a dick these days."

The words had followed him to the water, raced through his mind as he had contemplated his actions. Thought about how he had released Sam, felt that it had been a betrayal of Dean, one that was worse than his betrayal of Anna, because he had not really betrayed her. He had simply followed his orders, returned Anna for her punishment and quite probably her death. But it was _just_ that Anna should die, _right_ that she should be punished for turning from their Father and tearing out her Grace, for falling to Earth and disobeying. He did not _like_ it, but it was not his _place_ to judge, only to _follow orders_.

"You're a dick these days."

Where Sam was concerned it was different. Different because he had all but promised Dean that if he gave himself to Heaven and the great plan, Sam would not need to be free, would not need to drink the demon blood. Except now Sam _was_ free, freed by Castiel's own hand, and Dean believed that the younger Winchester had nothing to do with saving the seal. Castiel did not know if that was wrong or right, only that he had promised Dean that Sam would be safe if Dean swore himself to the angels, but with that vow, new orders had come and Castiel's own had been broken.

"You're a dick these days."

That doubt that still ate at him, reenforced by that single sentence, that made him question those orders that one moment supported the cause and in nearly the same breath condemned it. He was lost, he was confused and he found that he still cared about what Dean thought of him. Still wanted Dean's respect and friendship and the peculiar warmth that his careful regard had brought, regard that shone in hazel eyes that so rarely broke Castiel's own. He wanted that still.

"You're a dick these days."

Castiel knew, deep down, in the heart that he had gained that should not exist, that to continue to feel this way was dangerous, to them both. He had been _warned_, he had been _ordered_, expressly and unquestionably _told_ and he had been _punished_. Despite all of that he could not stop, did not know how and did not _want_ to. He could not continue to simply _bury _the hurt at having to treat Dean in the manner that he was. To be the cold creature that he knew that Dean hated, the cold being that he, himself, had grown to detest.

"You're a dick these days."

No matter how many times he replayed the words in his mind, over the hours since he had spoken to Dean, the hours since he had released Sam and the hours since Anna was taken, the words still stung. They still _hurt_ and as much as he hated them, Castiel knew that they were true. He was a 'dick' now. He _was_ that cold thing that pushed Dean away and made him feel alone and poked him towards a fate and a destiny that would have found the hunter regardless. Fate, after all, had a way of doing that and she had never needed any help or interference from the angels in the past. She had always been a little odd though, Fate, and perhaps, just perhaps, everything that had happened to Dean and everything that had happened to Castiel, that peculiar need to protect Dean and every strange thing that he had felt had been another of her bizarre little quirks. Another of her ways of twisting things to make sure that all things went as were planned. Fate who had given him the urge to disobey and watch his charge break as Sam, his only brother, left, leaving Dean completely alone. Perhaps she was why he wanted to drop the cold facade he had taken to wearing to protect them both, to keep them both safe, to stop them from falling into darkness.

"You're a dick these days."

He was. Castiel knew, without a doubt, that he was but as he watched Dean he felt his lips move, heard words spill from them at the sounds of pain and distress that Dean was making, the sight of the tears in that flowed freely down a face that no one else saw.

"I know what I am, Dean, and I am sorry," but it was necessary to be this, to keep Dean safe, to keep him whole and to keep him alive. If Castiel had to sacrifice, had to become a 'dick' to achieve it, he would. Because even though he knew he could take a lot of punishment, could lose his brothers and sisters and even his own existence, he could not let Dean die. Even if it meant that Castiel lost him.

"I am sorry," and he meant it. Truly he did.

"I am sorry," if Dean heard, Castiel was gone before the hunter could acknowledge it and the apology seemed to become nothing more than a whisper in the room.

"Sorry."

_Reviews are little Castiels that fly above our heads and mini Deans under the bed. A small Sam in hand and a tiny John by the chair, a review that can show how much you care._

_Artemis_


End file.
